I’m Good and I’m Beginning to Understand

By Phat Ly

I’m good. But I wasn’t always good. I have so many regrets about my younger years that at any moment I can feel angry or sad just by seeing or hearing something that reminded me of an awful time. My father passed away, and at his funeral I was almost happy he left. I grew up knowing him as a drunk that beat my mother. But he wasn’t always this way. After taking a biology class at CSUEB, I realized that his personality may have change after a car accident left him in the hospital. I was too young to know this then, but now I think he may have suffered frontal lobe damage. I grew up thinking he was an ass, but when he wasn’t drinking, he taught me a few lessons about how the world works and how to be a good man. I wished I thanked him for that.

I grew up in a bad part of Oakland. I hung out with low life and thugs. I stole, robbed, and did drugs. I was just trying to fit in. I want to apologize to those I wronged, but I wouldn’t be able to find them now. All these memories haunt me today. I wish I could forget, but the guilt continues to take over. I find myself having conversations with myself. I distanced almost everyone from my past. I don’t talk to anyone about my problems. I wish I could keep it all inside, but it seems I need to let it out. That’s probably why I talk to myself so much. It seems to get worse when I don’t find time for leisure. I remember cooking one day and all of a sudden a thought came into my head and I started talking to myself. Not knowing that my girlfriend was looking, I turned to her and she had this look of worry. I had a full on conversation with myself, and even included hand gestures. I must be lonely, because it seems that the only person that listens to my problems is me. I started drinking alcohol more often than I usually do. Beers, wine, and liquor were consumed nightly. Sometimes I imagine starting a fight, just so I could punch someone. Why am I so angry? I feel like life is punishing me for all the wrong I’ve done in my life, and I think I deserve it.

Finding my happiness through leisure is what saved me. I found fishing to be my favorite past time of all the things that I try to get into. I found that I’m at peace near the water, and even if I don’t catch anything all day, I come home relaxed and recuperated. Hours pass when I’m out there alone, yet I never find myself talking to myself. I still have the problem of thinking too much about the past, especially when I stress out from work and school. Keeping my mind busy with adventurous activities seems to work best. I may not be completely sane and I may still talk to myself on occasion, but I know that today, I’m good.